41 responses

  1. Kristy B.
    January 16, 2015

    I’ve been trying to conceive for over a year now with absolutely nothing happening, so I definitely relate to this post. I’ve munched on pineapple myself, once or twice (make sure you eat the core).

    The thing I definitely relate with is the holidays with family and everybody expecting a pregnancy. This past holiday was rough, I actually didn’t spend much time with my extended family for that very reason. It stinks, but I just couldn’t take the questions. Sigh.

  2. Susie @ SuzLyfe
    January 16, 2015

    I had the same thought: I think that the stages of TTC are similar (with regards to the mental aspect) to many of the other major life changes that you have made–adopting a healthy lifestyle, becoming a runner, an Ironman. Ultimately, you have at accept that it is just going to be rough, but that you have the capacity to do it.
    Reminds me as well of my post from last year–what this marathon means to me. This past marathon helped me so much with my fear of my body with regards to the changes and challenges that the future holds for me.

    So just remember–you have done this before, you can do it again.
    Susie @ SuzLyfe recently posted..My Recipe, Reduxed: Sweet Potato Nachos

  3. Heather
    January 16, 2015

    Hey Meghann! I first have to say that I really feel for you and all you have been through and all you continue to go through. I’d like to think of myself as a more “seasoned” TTC’er which basically means after 3 years, various medications and approaches, a couple early miscarriages, holistic therapies, old wives tales, I am on to the “hard stuff” (i.e. IVF). We got to ring in the New Year with the news that in spite of a nearly “perfect” IVF cycle, not one of the 3 “perfect” embryos we transferred decided to stick around. The pain is real and gut wrenching and feels shameful. It’s a hard thing to share with others, I admire you so much for being truly brave in putting yourself “out there”. I’d like to think this long journey has taught me a few things and that is 1) the BFNs hurt just as much in the early days as they do today…it doesn’t matter where you are in your journey, it’s real pain. 2) let it go. I think I repeat this to myself 49 times a day. There are so many things in TTC that are completely out of our control. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to obsess. Try not to feel like you HAVE to eat pineapple or you’ll NEVER be pregnant (and that kind of thing). My theory is that we are so desperate for some sort of control that we scour the Internet for tips and tricks in an effort to have JUST ONE THING we can control. There’s comfort there, I get it. This lyric to an Indigo Girls song pops in my head at least once a day “If it takes a lot to keep it going, if it takes a lot to keep it real, take some time for yourself and LEARN TO YIELD”. I am still learning to yield, haha. 3) Let yourself cry and mourn. Every unsuccessful cycle is a loss…a loss of a dream. I take a day and cry it out. I call it my dark day. As painful as it is for my husband to watch, he now knows it’s part of my process. It helps. I wallow. And the next day I wake up ready to consider “what’s next”, pick myself up and move on. 4) TTC will bring you and your husband closer than you ever thought possible, if you allow it. Don’t let your life be ruled by TTC though. Have date nights, find new hobbies, live your life. We used to plan around the possibility of being pregnant or make decisions based on “we’ll probably be pregnant by then”. Don’t do that. Just throw caution to the wind and live! 5) Understand that this may be a 6 month journey or a 6 year journey. If you had told me in the beginning I wouldn’t be pregnant in one year, I would have lost my mind. 3 years later, I am still not a beautiful success story. But I still believe my success story is out there. 6) Never lose sight of perspective. It can always be worse. Deep in our own journey, one of my childhood friends was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, so rare for someone her age. She had a full hysterectomy and will never carry a baby of her own. I think about that a lot when I start to get angry and depressed and inconsolable. I also think about others I’ve known who for whatever reason haven’t had the opportunities I’ve had to have reproductive medical care. Even though our IVF cycle wasn’t successful, we got to try and thats something!!!

    I wish you and Derek all the best of luck. If you ever need someone, email me. I know how hard it can be. This process will show you strength you didn’t even know you, Ms. IronWoman had. Haha. All the best, Heather

  4. Silvia @ skinny jeans food
    January 16, 2015

    Hmmmmm, this sounds rather stressful. Or are you kidding? No wonder that all those stress hormones will interfere with the fertility hormones. 🙁 I think this is why people often say it happened when it was impossible to happen (already really late in the cycle) and they no longer paid attention, or when they were too distracted. But I guess it is not that easy to talk yourself out of it. After all, you do attempt something life changing. I’d be stressed, too.
    Silvia @ skinny jeans food recently posted..Five Whistles (and a Lamb Vindaloo Recipe)

  5. Liz
    January 16, 2015

    I agree – wine (and lots of it) is the best medicine. I applaud your courage for sharing your story – TTC is a lonely journey, and your honesty and openness make it seem less so, if even for a little while.

  6. Diana
    January 16, 2015

    I can completely relate to the keeping a glass of wine in your hand during every event.

    There are times I don’t even want to drink but I keep one in my hand so I’m not asked questions about whether or not I’m pregnant. It’s annoying and sometimes can be really hard to answer.

    My husband and I have been trying to two years now and have had no success. However, we haven’t really talked to anyone about it except a few close friends. You are really brave to put everything out there like you are.

    This process seriously sucks. Ugh. Good luck and baby dust 😉

  7. Megan
    January 16, 2015

    Meghann, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And it’s so important that you’re sharing the struggle with others. I don’t think it’s talked about enough in society!
    Have you considered seeing a specialist? I have PCOS and endometriosis, but I go to the Gianna Center for help. I’ve learned so much from them. There’s a location in Largo, FL if you’re interested. I don’t think they’re affiliated with the NYC location, since they have different websites (stgiannacenter.com/), but their goals and methods look to be the same. It can’t hurt to check them out. You and Derek are in my thoughts and prayers. You’re so strong and admirable. Hang in there!

  8. Natalie @ The Ravenous Mommy
    January 16, 2015

    I feel you! My hubby and I have been trying for #2. We only have 12 shots a year to get preggo… not too many! It can be very stressful. But I try to tell myself, when it’s meant to be it will happen!
    Natalie @ The Ravenous Mommy recently posted..Life Lately

  9. jessica
    January 16, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your experience.

  10. Ashley
    January 16, 2015

    I love it! So true. I can empathize with you completely. My husband and i have been trying for quite awhile. I have always had normal periods and never thought fertility would be an issue. Its weird how this “want a baby” thing started. In March 2013 we threw caution to the wind and pulled the goalie. Neither one of us were completely sure thats what we wanted and just took the “lets see what happens” approach. About 2-3 weeks after that i was staring at a positive pregnancy test thinking “what the hell? I am not ready for this!”. After the initial “freakout” I was very happy and excited. That was short lived as less than a week later i started bleeding. I knew immediatley something wasnt right, even though the doctors told me that bleeding in pregnancy can be normal. My betas were all over the place not doubling and then doubling. Finally I went to the ER upon my doctors sugggestion since i was still having pain about 2 weeks after the bleeding had stopped. The ER doctor did an ultrasound and ran my bloodwork. His conclusion was that it was in fact a miscarriage and it would take sometime for my body to heal. I brought up the idea of it being ectopic and he dismissed that theory as he said my HCG levels were too low and they didnt see anything abnormal on the ultrasound. I was sad but glad my body was doing what it needed to do so we could try again. After the ER visit my doctor insisted that i continue to do betas until my levels reached zero, hesitantly i agreed and went to the lab and had my blood drawn. We had planned a Disneyland vacation and i saw no harm in going and having a good time. On jarring rides i especially noticed pain on my right side but just kept hearing the ER doctor say in my head ” your body is just healing from the miscarriage”. We had a great time and were at the John Wayne airport on our way home when i received a call from my doctor. She told me that my HCG levels were rising rapidly and something didnt seem right. She had me come in the next day to do more scans and more blood tests. The results of the scan revealed nothing but my HCG levels continued to climb. At this point she says you are pregnant but we dont know where it is, wonderful!! Just what a girl wants to hear. She recommends either surgery or methotrexate shots. I quickly took the no surgery option and my doctor agreed that it was an appropriate solution. I was admitted to the hospital and they gave me the injections. By the way they make you feel horrible, after all it is a chemo drug. My levels continued to be monitored as they like to see a 15% decrease in levels about 5-7 following the injection. Well my levels decreased but only by about 11%, of course. So I had to have injection #2 on Mother day weekend, cruel right? Well that seemed to take care of it and we were advised to not TTC for about 2 months as the lingering effects of the injections can hurt a newly forming embryo. So July 2013 we got the green light. I was so determined to get pregnant right away and heal the hurt that i had been feeling since the ectopic. I charted and used OPK’s and we were pregnant again in October 2013. Since i had an ectopic in the past i have to be closely monitored for any pregnancy following so i went in for my betas. At first numbers were low and not doubling and then they started to double and then quickly started to decrease. I was devestated by it but was thankful it resolved on its own and it wasnt another ectopic. We moved forward and after about a month or so started TTC again. However this time my luteal phase was getting shorter and shorter. It was at this point that i went to my doctor and explained what i had noticed since the miscarriage. I have always been a spotter but this was different my period was now coming at least 3-4 days earlier than it ever had before. She ran a series of blood tests that came out normal and prescribed progesterone for luteal phase support. I thought that it would solve all my issues and help me. Well it didnt really help and I continued to spot now earlier than ever before at 6 dpo. March 2014 i got pregnant again but it was only evidenced by a faint faint positive pregnancy test about 2 days after my missed period and by the next day the test was stark white. This is when i really stepped it up and went to my doctor and we agreed that clomid would be a great option because it would help with my luteal phase support and help egg qualtiy. I took clomid from May-July 2014 with timed intercourse and BFN every month although at least now i was spotting at the earliest on 12 dpo so i counted that as a win. At that point my doctor recommended a sperm analysis for my husband and a HSG test for me. The sperm analysis came back normal, in fact the doctors words were “fantastic numbers”. This offered some relief but i couldnt help but feel at that point that it must be all my fault that we are having issues. I did my HSG test, thats the one where they inject dye into your uterus and watch the dye on a screen through CTI. They watch to make sure that the dye comes out of both ends of your tubes indicating everything is clear. Well mine went through like gangbusters on the left side but wouldnt go through on the right. My doctor recommended that i should have lap surgery to see what was going on and possibly unblock the tube. We tried clomid/IUI as a last hurrah before the surgery in a desperate attempt that it might work but alas it did not. September 5th, 2014- SURGERY DAY- Everything went well aside from a blood spurting incident when the nurse tried to put the IV in, i almost passed out. The doctor came and talked to me and my husband after the surgery and indicated that my right tube flushed without any issues, so there could have been a blockage that they were able to flush out. she also informed us that should found stage 0-1 endometriosis which can cause infertility and certainly can cause ectopic pregnancies. They burned away what they had found and i was given a clean slate to try again after my period arrived about 2 weeks post surgery. We have since done 4 cycles of clomid/IUI and currently are on our 5th. Somedays are harder than others, especially the 2 week wait days. I am confident that we are closer than ever to holding our rainbow baby in our arms and cling to that hope on a daily basis. We have scheduled an appt with an RE and will have out consultation at the end of the month. Excited but nervous to see what they have to say. I love that you are talking about your TTC journey. I initially found your blog when i was researching ragnar, as i did a ragnar trail relay last October. I found your ragnar finish line proposal to be the cutest thing ever and wished that i had a story like that. I was heartbroken to learn that you had experienced a miscarriage and could completely relate to all the thoughts and emotions that you bravely documented on your blog. Hang in there as you never know what awaits you just around the corner. I dont like what infertility has done to me, hating pregnant women, not wanting to hear about babies or children, suddenly wanting to cry after watching a huggies commercial. But I definatley feel that there is a purpose in dealing with this and that i will come out the other side with a baby and a stronger person. I will not take my child for granted as i feel that i may have when pregnancy happened when we werent even trying and i felt panicked about the idea of parenthood. Now i would give anything for that positive test and doubling betas and not feel one shred of doubt. Somedays i feel like why me? Or why anyone for that matter? I have learned not to try to make sense of things outside of my control. Although i still struggle with trying to make sense of it all on a daily basis. I know that when I am holding my baby in my arms it will all make sense. There is a road that i need to travel to truly appreciate God’s greatest gift and he is opening my eyes to that every single day. It is not a process that i can fast forward through or hit the pause button on, i have to go through it, I have to feel it. It is so so hard and I truly feel for you and everything you are going through. Your rainbow baby is on his/her way, and they are getting here as fast as they can.

  11. DL
    January 16, 2015

    Maybe I’m old school but I really believe that making a baby should come out of the love you have for each other. Forgetting all about ovulation and fertility times and the science of it all and just focus on relaxing and loving each other. Reading your post sounds super stressful. I can’t imagine going through that with the mind set that you have. Stress can be a huge factor and very counterproductive in conceiving. I hope you find peace in this journey and when you do…everything will fall into place as it should.

    • Chelsea @ Designs on Dinner
      January 30, 2015

      I sort of understand what you’re saying, DL. I like the idea of just going off birth control and waiting for it to happen, but if it didn’t happen naturally after a year or two, I would definitely get into the “science of it all.” Plus I wouldn’t want to just discover I’m pregnant if I’ve been drinking alcohol, changing cat litter, inhaling second hand smoke, etc. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a little scientific about it–it’s actually pretty interesting!
      Chelsea @ Designs on Dinner recently posted..Update

  12. Emily
    January 16, 2015

    Look into a chiropractor that specializes in fertility/reproductive issues….I personally know many success stories of people going this route after years of unsuccess.

  13. Melissa
    January 16, 2015

    To the commenters stating that “stressing out” will make getting pregnant difficult I hope you realize what a load of crap that is. If stress prevented pregnancy then no one would ever get pregnant. Also by stating that you are blaming the person for not getting pregnant, “Oh not pregnant,must be because you stressed about it”.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to know how this whole process works. Since I have started TTC I have learned so much about how my body operates. I would rather be aware than ignorant!

  14. Christine
    January 16, 2015

    Acupuncture and herbs helped us conceive.

  15. Kim M
    January 16, 2015

    Hey! I was in your same boat a year ago TTC after a missed miscarriage and praying for a baby of my own. I know people say keep it fun, don’t stress, yadda yadda, but I think using ovulation tests and planning will lead you to something fun – a BFP. I followed the sperm meets the egg plan – google it- and it worked for us. Good luck and keep your chin up.

  16. Megan
    January 16, 2015

    A-fricken-men. 🙂
    Megan recently posted..It all feels broken.

  17. Elizabeth
    January 16, 2015

    Thank you so much for writing about this. I found out about my mmc the day before thanksgiving and reading your posts has been so helpful!

  18. Nicole
    January 16, 2015

    Ok, I have been a follower for years and have never commented before, but I just wanted to say I have really admired your honesty through this journey of yours! I know so many women having the same problems and it is just heartbreaking to see them go through – I wish you so much luck – stay strong! And pass the margaritas 😉
    Nicole recently posted..So, what do you eat?

  19. sarah
    January 16, 2015

    I really admire your sharing your journey! I also had a missed miscarriage, back in October 2013 at 10 weeks. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through and I started following these same steps you’ve detailed above! I just gave birth to my first baby girl on New Year’s Eve this year after TTC for 4 cycles after the miscarriage. I know it will happen for you!

  20. Rachel
    January 16, 2015

    RIGHT THERE WITH YA, GIRL! I’m in the middle of the two week waiting to test window and IT’S THE WORST. Much luck xx

  21. Brittney
    January 16, 2015

    I definitely drove myself nuts trying different things and tweaking things each cycle, like you mentioned! I still have no idea whether anything I did worked or if it was just luck in the end. One thing I did before getting pregnant with Allie was I started taking Royal Jelly and CoQ10, which are supposed to help with egg quaility, which is what they thought caused my miscarriages. Supposedly you have to take it for a couple cycles before, and I think I got my successful pregnancy about 3 cycles after I started taking it. Something to try, if you want! Good luck!!
    Brittney recently posted..Catching Up

    • Meghann
      January 20, 2015

      Thank you, Brittney. I’m looking both up on Amazon right now.

  22. Ashley
    January 16, 2015


  23. LB
    January 16, 2015

    I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I’ve read your blog for years and I don’t know that I’ve ever even commented before. But, this is my life right now. If you’re wondering, I’m in the margarita stage… 🙂 Good luck lady

  24. Krista
    January 16, 2015

    Man you hit the nail on the head with this one! All so true & relatable Meghann. The two week wait is the worst!

  25. Kristen
    January 16, 2015

    I can so relate! Thanks for sharing your story. I find it very hard to talk to anyone about it that are not going thru it because they always say, we’ll have you tried this or that? Or you should …(fill in the blank)! I know people mean well but it’s exhausting.

    Been trying for just over a year, met with a fertility specialist and talk about a slap in the face $$ wise. We are trying a little longer before we have to make tough decisions. I hate feeling so out of control of my body over such a personal life changing event.

    Baby dust!

  26. Beth @ Running with the Sunrise
    January 16, 2015

    Hubby and I just started TTC, so I can’t imagine what it must be like to have gone through this cycle so much. I definitely carry a drink around with me at family events, too. My mother-in-law has taken to watching me like a hawk to see if I’m drinking or not…no pressure! Sending positive vibes to you and your hubby!
    Beth @ Running with the Sunrise recently posted..Five Favorites Friday #16

  27. Jess
    January 17, 2015

    I had great success with the real clear blue OPKs. Best of luck to you on your journey.

  28. regina
    January 17, 2015

    We tried for over a year and the cycle that I got pregnant we did two things differently.

    1. I was told by a friend at work to try taking Geritol, it’s a multivitamin for the elderly. The old wives tale is that there is a baby in every bottle

    2. I had my husband take L- acetyl Carnitine suppliments. They are supposed to make the swimmers swim faster.

    We were suposed to start fertility meds the next cycle and it happened on its own with those suppliments.

    FYI I found both suppliments at Walmart.

  29. The Many Thoughts of a Reader
    January 18, 2015

    I remember those lovely stages all too well. I tended to ovulate super early or have a not long enough luteal phase so that was fun. Wine wine wine.
    The Many Thoughts of a Reader recently posted..#mileaday weekly check in!

  30. Emily @ Sweet Summer Smiles
    January 18, 2015

    Haha! This made me laugh a little bit because it’s so true! Wine always makes it better 🙂
    Emily @ Sweet Summer Smiles recently posted..happy saturday // 12

  31. Jesse
    January 18, 2015

    Meghann, I enjoy your blog and I really admire your being open and honest about your process. I hope that things work out well and you get pregnant soon 🙂

  32. Sarah
    January 19, 2015

    Wishing you both the best of luck! This must be emotionally draining for sure. My husband and I are at a stage where I am finally ready to start trying. Have you read “Taking Control of your Fertility”? If you have, you should re-read it. It sounds like you have a few things misconstrued and it might be helpful. I read it twice before going off the pill and tracking my basal temps. One thing: If you wait until you are ovulating according to the predictor, you’ve already missed the boat. There is a section in the book about this specifically. Best wishes 🙂

    • Meghann
      January 20, 2015

      Hi Sarah, Yep, I’ve read TCOYF twice. My husband and I take the every-other-day approach from about CD 10 to a few days after I ovulated. I like to use the OPK to confirm it’s coming and to triple make sure we’re hitting the mark.

  33. Jessica
    January 20, 2015


    I’ve been checking in on you lately to see how everything was going on your TTC journey. My husband and I are also TTC our first child and it has been a really emotional process. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you sharing this journey. I think one of the hardest parts is feeling like there’s no one to share the journey with, or at least no one who “understands.” I have to say I agree that people saying that you need to stop “stressing” is one of the most button-pushing statements. I’m sure there’s truth to it, and it is probably “well intentioned,” but it stings every time I hear that!! Also, it sounds our cycles are similar (I started AF on Thanksgiving and Christmas too, what a treat!!). Sending love to you and of course, “baby dust” ! 🙂

  34. Cristina
    January 20, 2015

    This story resonates with me more than I would like it to. It’s hard to understand how obsessive one can become, unles one has gone through it. Thank you for sharing your stories. It helps when there are so many of going through similar situations. I saw this article and thought I would share since you believe in speaking up about miscarriage. I hope you see a BFP really soon 🙂

  35. Rachel WM
    January 20, 2015

    To anyone who thinks this is the appropriate place to say that {overthinking things/stressing out/tracking ovulation/not just making love when the spirit moves you} is the WRONG way to make a baby…don’t be a dick.


    Don’t be a dick, guys. It’s the golden rule.
    Rachel WM recently posted..Good mourning: The Met’s ‘Death Becomes Her’ exhibit

  36. Sarah
    January 22, 2015

    Hi Meghann: I commented earlier about TCOYF and you replied, but I can’t seem to reply back to you. I just wanted to say that I must have misunderstood about your use of the ovulation kit; the way I read your post it sounded like you were using them to decide when to try, rather than just confirming ovulation like the book recommends. Again, wishing you both the best and I’m sorry that you have to go through this! Hugs 🙂

  37. sara@runninginpinkproject
    January 22, 2015

    Right there with you Meghann. Seriously- going through the SAME THING. Its gut wrenching.
    sara@runninginpinkproject recently posted..Honesty Is The Best Policy- Even When It Sucks

  38. Kim
    January 23, 2015

    I’m sure you’re getting a lot of unsolicited advice, which can be incredibly annoying at times. But I thought I should share this tip with you. Have you heard about taking guaifenesin (Robitussin) to thin out your cervical mucus? If you’ve already tried this method, then I am sorry to bring it up, but I thought it was worth the risk to mention it in case you hadn’t heard of it.

    Here’s a link:


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