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March 2nd

by Meghann on March 2, 2015

Today is March 2nd, a date that will forever be burned in my mind.

March 2nd was my due date. A date that seemed so far away when we first discovered we were expecting last June and a date that still seemed so far away when we discovered we lost the pregnancy in August. The first 12 weeks of that pregnancy seemed to inch forward at a snail’s pace, but the 5 months that have passed since it ended have moved at rocket speed.

I wasn’t sure how I would handle today. When everything was so fresh and painful, the thought of March 2nd would send me into a flurry of tears. I refused to acknowledge the date still existed and basically had it as a blackout on my calendar. I thought for sure I would have to request a day off work and just spend the day in my bed wallowing.

But, to be honest, today sort of blindsided me. I’ve been really busy at work (hence the lack of blogging) and almost missed its impending arrival. I only realized how quickly the date was approaching when I was scheduling meetings last week and a meeting request came up for March 2nd. Wait a minute, March 2nd? I’m not supposed to be here that day. I’m supposed to be starting maternity leave, I’m supposed to be having a baby, I’m supposed to be doing things new moms do – not scheduling business meetings.

It was the first time I’d cried over the lost pregnancy in a while. Everything became fresh again and the old wounds opened back up. It makes the loss that more real. It’s not just my bump should be “this” big by now, instead it’s my baby should be xx old now. It’s surreal.

It’s been 5 months since our lost and it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Turns out life goes on and, whether you like it or not, the “new normal” just becomes normal. The first few months were rough – really, really rough – but you move past them and the pain you once felt turns into hope – hope that there’s another miracle out there for you.

Today is my due date, yet it feels like any other day. I’ve cried my tears, let out my anger, and accepted what wasn’t meant to be. My pain has turned into hope and each month has more hope than the last. I’m still holding out hope for our miracle, I know it’s out there somewhere.

 

 

 

 

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Alisha @ Real Girl Running March 2, 2015 at 9:36 pm

Thinking of you both xx
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2 Mandy March 2, 2015 at 10:10 pm

I am so glad that you are beginning to move on, but also letting yourself cry when you need to. I don’t comment very much on your posts, but I just wanted to tell you I think you are incredibly resilient. It’s inspiring to see someone experience grief, pain, and loss and still be able to live life and move forward. Sending you a virtual hug (and a high five for being so open about this issue with your readers!). <3

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3 Nona @ RunningHigh March 2, 2015 at 11:07 pm

What an incredible post. Thank you for sharing what you’ve been through. I only found your blog recently and am inspired by your strength. Thinking of you.

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4 Susan March 2, 2015 at 11:16 pm

I have been thinking of you during your blogging absence, and thought it was about the time for your due date. I am so sorry. I can truly empathize, not because I went through a miscarriage, but because I had to go through two rounds of IVF to have my baby girl. It is so tough when you can’t just get pregnant so easily, like it seems everyone around you does. I’m confident that it will happen for you though.

Even though my first IVF was unsuccessful, I still knew what the due date would have been, if it had been a success…IVF is really predictable like that! Anyway, that date happened to fall on my own birthday, and it’s still a little bittersweet on that day even two years later.

I have never commented before, but I also want to say lucky you are to have such a close knit family. I can tell how much you love and support each other through the good and the bad. My own parents are both deceased, and I remember how much extra I missed them during my infertility journey. I know your parents and siblings will be a wonderful support system for you, and will celebrate the wonderful addition to the family that I’m sure is in store for you.

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5 Clara March 3, 2015 at 1:31 am

Thinking of you Meghann!!!!

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6 LInda @ The Fitty March 3, 2015 at 5:51 am

In the end, life goes on and we learn to sail along with it, no matter how rough the waves.

God bless!
LInda @ The Fitty recently posted..Meditation + I Ate Dairy and Nuts + Other Tidbits

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7 Georgia March 3, 2015 at 7:00 am

Hang in there, girl. Thinking of you…x

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8 Karen March 3, 2015 at 7:12 am

You have such a great positive attitude. Happy to see you are OK … Hang in there Meghann… we are all pulling for you!
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9 Alison (Fueling for Fitness) March 3, 2015 at 7:25 am

This must have been such a tough post to write and I can only imagine how real the pain was in reality. Sending you and Derek positive thoughts. Time is the greatest healer.
Alison (Fueling for Fitness) recently posted..The pros and cons of doing long runs alone

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10 Susie @ SuzLyfe March 3, 2015 at 7:29 am

Put it out into the world–these are the days that remind us of how strong we are, but how precious life is. Not to be all philosophical and what not.
You will get your miracle–you just don’t know what form it will take yet!
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11 Kristy B. March 3, 2015 at 7:39 am

I’ve been thinking about you lately. I’m also hoping for your miracle.

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12 Summer T. March 3, 2015 at 7:50 am

Your miracle is most definitely on its way!!! ???

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13 Summer T. March 3, 2015 at 7:53 am

ignore those silly ???…typo…. meant all !!!!!!
Summer T. recently posted..Spring {Is} Near, Right?

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14 Goldie March 3, 2015 at 8:13 am

hi Meghann

I did wonder why you’d been a little quiet and then it all clicked. I remember thinking my due date would hit me like a sidewinder as well but when it came around I think I had cried all the tears and expressed all the anger I had in me and you’re forced to brush yourself off and carry on. Otherwise what would become of us? It passed like any other day and all I felt was guilt for not breaking down entirely.

What did hit me hard was when someone brought in their new baby. Babies are lovely and I loved spending time with them and having a cuddle. It was that look of blissful motherhood on the face of the new mother which crushed me. A circle which I had been rejected entry to. A life I wanted.

You’re doing so well – acknowledging the hurt and loss but without letting it become the core of who you are. You’re clearly stronger because of it. Your rainbow is coming. Hang in there.

All my love and lots of hugs,

Gx

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15 Amber @ Busy, Bold, Blessed March 3, 2015 at 8:46 am

Thinking of you <3
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16 Laura March 3, 2015 at 9:06 am

*Hugs*
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17 Ana March 3, 2015 at 9:45 am

It is ok to cry and let it all out but also continue believing that your miracle is coming at the right time !! Good luck to you !

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18 kristin | W [H] A T C H March 3, 2015 at 9:51 am

wishing your warmth and many, many good things.
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19 Sabrina March 3, 2015 at 10:16 am

Thinking of you Meghann.
Sabrina recently posted..She never looks at a price tag.

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20 Reenie March 3, 2015 at 10:52 am

God Bless….

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21 Stephanie @ Sparkles and Sweat March 3, 2015 at 11:59 am

This is beautifully written.
Sending you lots of happy thoughts and hugs.
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22 Stephanie @ My Freckled Life March 3, 2015 at 12:21 pm

Beautifully written, as always. I’m certainly keeping you in my thoughts, and I really hope you get your miracle too.
Stephanie @ My Freckled Life recently posted..33 Hours and 5 Airports Later…

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23 Stacey March 3, 2015 at 2:35 pm

Wishing you strength and love. Miracles do happen. Take care of yourself, and know that you have a lot of people supporting you (even those of us whom you’ve never met, but stalk your blog 😉 )
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24 Megan March 3, 2015 at 5:34 pm

Sending hugs your way. My due date was supposed to be May 3 and I’ve been approaching it in a very similar way. Here’s to hoping our miracles aren’t too far off. <3
Megan recently posted..It all feels broken.

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25 Juliana @ 4 Well Rules March 3, 2015 at 5:38 pm

so beautifully written. thinking of you and sending you prayers and hugs 🙂

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26 Meghan R March 3, 2015 at 6:04 pm

Thinking of you guys today. *hugs*
Meghan R recently posted..15 Races in 2015 – Race #4 – Best Damn Race Orlando 10k

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27 Katy Widrick March 4, 2015 at 6:19 am

Beautiful post, friend…

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28 Shauna March 4, 2015 at 12:07 pm

Your family is in my prayers. The day will come when you will be blessed with a beautiful child. My sister in law went through the same thing and she struggled the whole way, tried every route possible. Now a year later, tons of ice cream, tears, trips to the doctor, and one hell of a scary night in the Maternity unit of our local hospital I thought for sure I was going to pray for a child who she was carrying that wasn’t going to make it but 5 hours of pacing the hallways and unlimited coffee later Mollie was born 1LB 7oz of joy. Point to my rambling is don’t give up. You’re beautiful, smart, amazing, and someone ive looked up to through your blogging which at times got me through my worst! Girl you can do it keep praying and stay possitive! God has great plans for all of us! <3

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29 Ashley March 5, 2015 at 4:28 pm

Sending hugs and hope your way. We have been struggling with fertility treatments failing for 6 months, and each failed round is horrid. Here’s to miracles
Ashley recently posted..50 pounds in 100 days – Weight loss challenge

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30 Megan March 6, 2015 at 3:49 pm

Thinking of you. I know it can be hard to imagine in the moment, but I always try to think of something my mom told us growing up “this too shall pass.” You will be blessed with a baby, sometimes our journey to parenthood is not the direct route that we imagine but keeping the faith can help. You will become a mommy! Xoxo

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31 Tricia @ A Couple of Dashes March 15, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Stay strong girl! Everyone is pulling for you!
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