Today is March 2nd, a date that will forever be burned in my mind.
March 2nd was my due date. A date that seemed so far away when we first discovered we were expecting last June and a date that still seemed so far away when we discovered we lost the pregnancy in August. The first 12 weeks of that pregnancy seemed to inch forward at a snail’s pace, but the 5 months that have passed since it ended have moved at rocket speed.
I wasn’t sure how I would handle today. When everything was so fresh and painful, the thought of March 2nd would send me into a flurry of tears. I refused to acknowledge the date still existed and basically had it as a blackout on my calendar. I thought for sure I would have to request a day off work and just spend the day in my bed wallowing.
But, to be honest, today sort of blindsided me. I’ve been really busy at work (hence the lack of blogging) and almost missed its impending arrival. I only realized how quickly the date was approaching when I was scheduling meetings last week and a meeting request came up for March 2nd. Wait a minute, March 2nd? I’m not supposed to be here that day. I’m supposed to be starting maternity leave, I’m supposed to be having a baby, I’m supposed to be doing things new moms do – not scheduling business meetings.
It was the first time I’d cried over the lost pregnancy in a while. Everything became fresh again and the old wounds opened back up. It makes the loss that more real. It’s not just my bump should be “this” big by now, instead it’s my baby should be xx old now. It’s surreal.
It’s been 5 months since our lost and it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Turns out life goes on and, whether you like it or not, the “new normal” just becomes normal. The first few months were rough – really, really rough – but you move past them and the pain you once felt turns into hope – hope that there’s another miracle out there for you.
Today is my due date, yet it feels like any other day. I’ve cried my tears, let out my anger, and accepted what wasn’t meant to be. My pain has turned into hope and each month has more hope than the last. I’m still holding out hope for our miracle, I know it’s out there somewhere.