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Waiting for a Rainbow

by Meghann on September 29, 2014

Five weeks have passed since my heart broke into a million pieces on the exam table of my doctor’s office. It’s funny, when I was pregnant – and holding my breath from week to week, hoping against all hope that everything was okay – time moved at a snail’s pace. Now I feel like it’s moving at lightening speed.

I should be 17 weeks now. I should be playfully arguing with my husband whether paying for the additional ultrasound to find out the baby’s sex 3 weeks earlier is worth it (p.s. still holding my ground that it would totally be). I should be getting lost on Pinterest trying to design the perfect nursery. I should be prepping Maddie for a new baby brother or sister. I should be feeling kicks for the first time. I should still be worrying that everything will be okay. When I think about what I should be doing, I lose myself all over again.

Most days I’m fine. I’m happy, I smile, I tell stupid jokes, and no one is the wiser that my heart is slowly repairing itself one hug at a time. Then something will tip me off, like pregnancy announcements on Facebook (one friend’s announcement was almost identical to what I was planning, that stung a bit) or friends’ ultrasound photos popping up on social media. The pain is still there,  it’s not as raw as it once was, but it’s definitely still there.

Recovering from the D&C has been oddly therapeutic for me. I ended up lightly bleeding/ spotting for over two weeks following the surgery. It was my reminder that the pregnancy really was over, which I needed. My period arrived just like clockwork a couple of weeks later. To be honest, I was relieved to see it. I was told to expect my period 4-6 weeks following surgery. I wasn’t sure how I would react when it did arrive, but I ended up taking it as a good sign my body was returning to normal. It’s getting back into its regular routine and preparing to give this whole pregnancy thing another shot. You do your thing, body. I’m just glad it came closer to the 4 week mark, rather than the 6 week mark. Two weeks earlier, means two weeks sooner we can start trying again.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor last week. There was good news all around: everything looked fine. All of my blood work came back normal, a sonogram revealed a normal, healthy uterus, and all of the other tests were right in line with what she wanted to see. I was given the big thumbs up to start trying again after my next cycle. She reminded me it was a good sign we were able to get pregnant last time and she’s hopeful we’ll have the same luck again. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

If you’ve ever read a TTC board, then you’re probably familiar with the term “rainbow” baby. If not, it’s in reference to a baby that follows the loss of a pregnancy or child (as in the beautiful rainbow that follows a storm). I’m not sure I’ve ever shared this on here, but my twin brother and I are rainbow babies. My mother lost her first pregnancy at 19 weeks, which left both of my parents heartbroken. Because of a treatment my mom had as a teenager for her thyroid (one where a potential side effect was infertility) my mom went into an all out panic mode. Luckily they were able to conceive again shortly following the loss and were pleasantly surprised to discover they were expecting twins. Nine months later Josh and I arrived, followed a couple of years later by my younger sister and my younger brother a couple of more years after that.

My parents were always very open about that first loss. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so open about sharing ours? My mom has always taught me that losses are a part of life and they help us grow stronger and wiser. She also taught me that miracles can follow losses and I have my faith that our miracle is still out there for us.

Until then I’m still in this weird in between stage taking life one day at a time.

 

 

 

{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Sara September 29, 2014 at 8:55 pm

We lost our son to CHD in January. He was ten weeks old. Our grief is different, but also so similar. I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for posting this today. We’re talking about trying again in a few months and I needed to see this.
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2 Meghann September 29, 2014 at 9:04 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss.

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3 Stacy September 29, 2014 at 9:16 pm

Hang in there Meghann,

I know you and Derek will have a baby soon. I just feel it.

Love,
A long time reader
Stacy recently posted..Middle of the Week Happy

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4 Angie Mae September 29, 2014 at 9:22 pm

Praying for you during this time! I’ve had four angel babies and this after period was the worst for me. Even more so, praying for lots of sticky baby dust to head your way!!

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5 Carrie (This Fit Chick) September 29, 2014 at 9:26 pm

I’m so sorry, Meghann. I am new reader and had no idea about this, nor do I have experience, but do remember how strong you are and how you can only learn and grow from experiences. Sending you lots of good thoughts.
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6 Sabrina September 29, 2014 at 9:56 pm

Reading this brought me back to that devastating first miscarriage. I’m so sorry Meghann. I promise that after you hold your first baby in your arms that pain you feel now will feel so very far away. ((hugs))
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7 Tricia September 29, 2014 at 10:11 pm

I’m so happy you seem to be doing a little better now. You seem to be handling it so well and you seem so strong. It’s interesting how strong you can be when you’re really pushed to the limits and tested. We’re all rooting for you!
Tricia recently posted..Sometimes my dogs like to hold me hostage.

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8 Holly September 29, 2014 at 10:14 pm

Praying for you and Derek! I was a “rainbow” baby myself. If my mom hadn’t miscarried, I wouldn’t be here — my parents conceived me before my mom would have been full term. I know your baby will come just when he or she is supposed to. Sending you hugs!

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9 Louise September 29, 2014 at 10:35 pm

I’m so sorry for your loss. I am pregnant with my rainbow baby now after losing 2 this year. I can tell you everything will work out but I know that’s hard to believe until it does. But it does xo

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10 Stephanie September 29, 2014 at 10:38 pm

I’m so sorry. I know how tough this is. I’m actually nursing my rainbow baby as i read this. 🙂

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11 Theresa September 29, 2014 at 11:04 pm

I have read your blog for years but never commented until today. I know the pain of your loss firsthand as I also experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I now have 2 beautiful little girls. We tried for years to even get pregnant and it finally happened in Oct of 2010. Then we found it in early December that there was no longer a heartbeat. The news was devastating. But we healed and went in to have our 2 girls. I still morn the loss of our first baby but time has definitely healed some of that pain. Just know you are in my thoughts and I pray for your rainbow baby also.

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12 Allison September 29, 2014 at 11:07 pm

I know how hard this is for you, we had a very similar experience when we discovered our baby’s heart stopped beating @ 12 wks. It’s devastating and you’re right, no one talks about it. But after it happened to me, I discovered so many women I knew had similar experiences. I don’t know why it’s so “taboo”, but it shouldn’t be. It’s still a life that deserves to be mourned. Best of luck to you. Time will heal and I pray you will have your rainbow baby soon (I got pregnant with mine 5 months later, and have 3 kids now)!

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13 Samantha September 29, 2014 at 11:12 pm

A co-worker of mine recently lost a pregnancy, and two months later she was pregnant again. She is now I to her second trimester with the happy news that she and her husband are expecting a girl! She actually wanted me to tell you this to give you hope. It will happen and you will be the most wonderful parents! I am so happy to hear that all your tests came back normally. Good luck in your future efforts and I will keep you both in my thoughts as you continue to heal.

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14 Ellen September 29, 2014 at 11:57 pm

I had an early miscarriage between my first and second son. I really thought I was okay. I told everyone I was okay, and when I checked in with myself, I believed I was okay. Two weeks after the miscarriage, I had an ultrasound to make sure everything looked fine. It did, and my OB commented “wow, you are about to ovulate. But don’t start trying again til next cycle” Yeah, I totally ignored that advice, and actually got pregnant that cycle. That intense, advice ignoring drive to have another baby as quickly as possible? Yeah, proof that I wasn’t 100% okay.

We all have stories. Very few people know about my miscarriage. I hope you are able to heal, and I hope that rainbow baby is in your arms soon.

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15 Elise @ Expeditions of Elise September 30, 2014 at 12:17 am

Meghann, thank you again for being so open about this difficult time in your life. I know your honesty is going to make someone else’s experience with the loss of a child easier. I didn’t know about “rainbow babies” until I read it here, but now I realize why my cousin, whose oldest son was born with severe complications and only lived 10 minutes, calls her 1-year-old son her rainbow baby. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.

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16 Andrea September 30, 2014 at 12:30 am

I had my d&c the day before you and would have been 17 weeks as well. I haven’t gotten my period yet as I still have some HCG lingering in my system. Hoping it will finally be gone this week so that I can start ovulating again! You are very fortunate to be back on track so quickly! We are going to try again right away (with our midwife and doctor’s blessing) and I’m glad to hear you’ll be ready again soon.

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17 Goldie September 30, 2014 at 3:34 am

You’re so sweet to share so openly. 5 months later and I am now at a point where i’ll have a good week and then 1 day will unexpectedly wipe me out. You’re being really brave. I’m glad you haven’t been frightened to try again and I’m thrilled your doctor has said everything looks fine to go ahead. I’m still waiting for my rainbow… but it’s going to be the sweetest, brightest most beautiful rainbow ever.xxx
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18 Katie September 30, 2014 at 7:07 am

Oh Meghann..hugs. Reading this brought me right back to my post-miscarriage feelings and that was four years ago! You’ll always remember this baby, your due date, and what should have been. It’s hard to see others moving forward on that path when you’re stuck waiting. I truly hope that once you start trying again you’ll be on the road to hold your rainbow baby in your arms as soon as possible.

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19 EB @Running on E September 30, 2014 at 8:28 am

I know it’s been very hard for you both. The positive is that you did get pregnant and your Doctor thinks things look great to do it again. My mom actually lost 2 pregnancies before having my brother and then another one before having me. She said it just made having us all the more special and she was always grateful.
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20 Katie D September 30, 2014 at 8:29 am

I totally feel for you. Your initial post gave me chills because I experienced the same devastating “missed miscarriage” just a few months before you. Facebook posts and ultrasound pics still send me into a tizzy, even though I am now 14 weeks into my 2nd pregnancy. I hesitate to share anything about my current pregnancy on facebook out of respect for others who are feeling, in silence, how I felt during those tough months. Please keep talking about it and realize that you are absolutely not alone.
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21 Jamie September 30, 2014 at 9:43 am

Hang in there Meghann, your healing process is completely healthy and normal. I suffered two back to back miscarriages when we initially started trying to conceive and shortly thereafter both my sister and best friend became pregnant for the second time. It stung so much and it was so hard for me to balance my happiness for them and my pain for our loss. I felt like baby talk was everywhere on social media, in sitcoms, in the news, etc. Talking about my losses was the ONLY thing that got me to the point where I was comfortable to try again after a 6 month break and lo and behold I now have a healthy almost 2 year old amazing rainbow baby. You are right in being relieved that your period came back so fast, it is a great sign that your body is ready. My heart is with you because I know no matter the outcome your journey will be tougher than others who have never experienced loss because of what you have been through, just know you aren’t alone and those of us who have experienced this too are here to support you and cheer you on. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon! <3

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22 Heather September 30, 2014 at 9:46 am

Both of my boys are rainbow babies. I only started talking about our losses within the last few years. Our first loss was almost 12 years ago on Valentine’s Day. My husband sends me flowers or something sweet and everyone in my office goes on about how it is so cliche for Valentine’s Day but he does it because he knows that it is still a hard day for me. I will say that those rainbow babies are even more special. Praying for sticky baby dust for you and Derek and for all those that are trying to conceive. Hugs.+

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23 Robin September 30, 2014 at 9:58 am

I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. My husband and I had a very similar experience. Just wanted to give you some hope and let you know that just 6 months after the loss of our baby at 9 weeks and 2 days we became pregnant with our rainbow baby. Today he is 6 and healthy as can be. He was also promoted to big brother this year! God has given us two beautiful and healthy children and I have faith he will give you the same. Keep your chin up and keep trying (that’s the fun part:) ).

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24 Liz September 30, 2014 at 10:39 am

Hang in there….My 1st pregnancy ended in a miscarriage as well and I was completely devastated. Just know you aren’t alone. My rainbow baby is now a 2.5 year old crazy boy and I like to remind myself that if I hadn’t gone through my loss, he wouldn’t be here. He was the baby I was supposed to have.

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25 MJ September 30, 2014 at 11:17 am

I’m so sorry for your loss. We’re currently TTC and though it hasn’t been for long, I feel like this waiting for a miracle to happen is torture. I have to keep reminding myself to keep the faith.

*Hugs*

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26 Heather September 30, 2014 at 12:17 pm

I have been reading your blog for a while, since before you were married, but I don’t comment often. Your post about losing your miscarriage was way too close to home for me. My husband and I lost one at about 12 weeks too. It is a pain and a loss that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I understand about each day getting better and am praying that your rainbow comes soon. About three months after our loss I was pregnant with our rainbow. She is the most perfect little girl and was born just over a year after our loss. I still occasionally wonder about our first baby, but know that as cliche as it sounds, everything happens for a reason.
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27 [email protected] September 30, 2014 at 1:00 pm

It sounds like you have a wonderful support system to help you through this time! And I bet blogging about this has helped speed your recovery. Hoping you get pregnant again soon! Hugs!
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28 Linda @ The Fitty September 30, 2014 at 1:03 pm

Tough times don’t last but tough people do. Hang in there!
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29 Erin September 30, 2014 at 2:01 pm

You might want to consider counseling. It can really help to process some of the emotion of a miscarriage. It helped me quite a bit when I miscarried several times.

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30 Rosey Rebecca September 30, 2014 at 3:11 pm

Hey Meghann, I can’t say I know exactly how you feel because our situations are completely different but I know how difficult it is to grieve. It hits you at the most unexpected times. Please just take care of yourself during this time.

Glad you had a good follow up and I wish you and Derek the best!

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31 Jackie September 30, 2014 at 4:13 pm

Hugs to you… Can I also offer a tip? Try not to get wrapped up in Facebook, Pinterest, and all things aesthetic when it comes to having, and raising, a child. I have SO many friends that worry more about decor, clothes, appearances, and Instgramming the right thing just to make sure their lives look perfecty twee to the outside world. Social media has brought a throng of issues into parenthood, not the least of which is that people forget the serious nature of bringing a human into the world.
Not that you are anything like this, but it might help to forget about those outward appearance things that are superfluous. They are surface issues and, while you feel sad that you are “missing out” on them, that isn’t at all what it’s about.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you get a rainbow. 🙂

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32 Deborah September 30, 2014 at 4:34 pm

Hey Meghann, I am a long time reader and generally not a commenter, but I wanted to tell you that I completely understand where you are at. I myself had a miscarriage in July and would of been 15 weeks today. My heart still aches, and I even shed some tears at certain moments, but I know that in my heart we will have our rainbow babies.
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33 Michelle @ A Healthy Mrs September 30, 2014 at 8:23 pm

Beautifully written, Meghann. Wishing you + Derek the Rainbow you’re waiting for!
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34 Alissa September 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm

I’ve never heard the term “rainbow baby” but I love it. My mom had three miscarriages before conceiving my twin brother and I. I admire your grace and honesty and know that you’ll be a great mom in the future!

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35 Ashley September 30, 2014 at 9:23 pm

I have a great 2 year old who is my rainbow baby. I found out I was pregnant again 10 weeks and 2 days after a miscarriage (took 6 weeks exactly for that first period). I have a good friend with a very similar time frame and happy ending, hope the same for you. Also, for some reason I was super confident that everything was ok the second time, there was much less worry, which makes no sense.

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36 Heather September 30, 2014 at 9:53 pm

You have no idea how much this speaks to me. We have had a long journey and a loss earlier this year and are prepping for our first round of IVF. I never thought I’d turn bitter or be pained by pregnancy announcements, but I suddenly find myself with random bits of pain when I least expect it. I admire you for being able to be so open, I think pregnancy loss/TTC woes remain this “dirty little secret” for so many, including my husband and I. Best wishes to you and your husband.

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37 JenP October 1, 2014 at 8:53 am

I’ve never heard that term, but both my boys are rainbow babies, I guess. I like it. I think that this conversation is so healthy. I kept it all bottled inside and that wasn’t good. Thank you for putting the topic out there.

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38 Kelly October 1, 2014 at 9:58 am

Beautiful post, I had never heard the term rainbow babies….

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39 Kim October 1, 2014 at 11:39 am

Fingers crossed that you and Derek will be blessed with twins 🙂 I hear it runs in families, aren’t your mom & aunt twins too?

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40 Katie D. October 1, 2014 at 12:20 pm

My rainbow baby just turned 3 months old yestetday. I cried because time moves so fast and I cried because I’ll never understand why Sweet Baby D didn’t survive and I cried because it is so hard to miss your Angel baby while knowing your rainbow wouldn’t be here other wise.

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41 Tracy October 1, 2014 at 12:37 pm

Stay strong. The loss of a child is devastating and it will linger forever. When you are holding that rainbow baby in your arms all that sadness and grief with turn into hope and peace. Don’t give up on your dream.

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42 Laure Renee October 1, 2014 at 1:00 pm

Hi Meghan, I have been following you for years. I live in Denver Colorado. I lost a baby in February due to a misdiagnosed ectopic pregnancy where they gave me high doses of a chemo drug to abort it. The baby ended up not being ectopic but after five rounds of this drug, it had no chance of normalcy and a very small chance of surviving the pregnancy. I had to get a D&C at 14 weeks. I was totally devastated. I also got my period 4 weeks after and since i had the chemo they asked me to wait a cycle to try again. We started again in May or June and by July I was pregnant! I couldn’t believe it. And Fertile CM DOES work. This will happen again for you and sooner than you expect! we are actually more fertile after abortions, miscarriages and pregnancies. I know its the hardest thing in the world to lose a pregnancy. But it WILL happen again!!! I am currently 15 weeks. You will be an amazing mother.

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43 Kelly October 1, 2014 at 5:22 pm

Hi Meghann:

I lost a baby over 4 years ago (ectopic – I had a surgical “removal” {terrible term} that resulted in the loss of a fallopian tube). I can tell you that I still now feel the emotional pain – I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that loss. Of course, it ebbs and flows over time and I’m much more open to talking about it now, but it never fully goes away. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all. I am now proud of my loss – I had a baby for a little while. I loved him/ her even though we never met. I’ll never forget the experience. Sending you a healing hug.

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44 Carrie October 1, 2014 at 7:52 pm

I appreciate you sharing. I know so many others do too. I am a rainbow baby as well. Of five women I know who are mothers, four have has miscarriages- including myself. I never understood the odds until recently. I so completely understand what you are going through. Every single birth announcement stings. I also think about how far along in my pregnancy I would be. I would be a month away now. We started trying again after I had my first normal cycle. It took three months and we were finally able to conceive again. You will be there in no time yourself! I have no doubt. It doesn’t take away the pain of the miscarriage, though I feel very grateful. Someday this will be in the past for us and it will all make sense. Best wishes to you and your husband!

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45 Tiffany October 1, 2014 at 11:28 pm

I had a d&c in June at around 8 weeks pregnant and it was also my first pregnancy after trying for seven months. A missed miscarriage. We saw the heartbeat at week 6, and it was a little low but the doctor wasn’t worried and went back at 8 weeks and no heartbeat and the ultrasound didn’t look right. She shuffled us into another room for another high tech ultrasound, but I knew it wasn’t good. I just remember shaking and being like this sucks, and seeing the look of sadness on my husbands face broke my heart. I felt like something wasn’t right from the start of my pregnancy, I had spotting starting at around week 6, never any cramping but spotting that just didn’t seem right. I never really felt pregnant either. Well to make a long story longer we started trying again right away. Two months of Aunt Flo showing up in July and August were sad, but I tried to remind myself of how precious this time is with just my husband and I and how we are lucky to be able to pick up and go anywhere at the drop of the hat because we don’t have kids. I saw your post about the d&c and felt like I was looking into my own journal. I hadn’t heard of the fertile cm, so I ordered it in August and started taking it then. Long story even longer, I got a positive pregnancy test last week. It is still super early, only five weeks and I know anything can happen, but hoping this is my rainbow baby. Hoping yours comes soon. But for now enjoy pumpkin beer and try not to let facebook get you down! It’s the devil at times. thank you for sharing your story! Miscarriages suck!

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46 Erin m. October 2, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Hi Meghann, I just wanted to send you well wishes and the best of luck. I’ve been a reader since the beginning, although I rarely comment. I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and Derek.

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47 ErikaMC October 2, 2014 at 2:41 pm

I miscarried two weeks ago – technically it was four weeks ago but I didn’t find out until two weeks ago. I had read your previous post about your loss and at the time it was probably the 3rd or 4th story I had heard and I just had a feeling that I was going to be another sad story. It sucks. There really isn’t anything more to say than that – it sucks. Sure I’m sad but I’m also mad – mad at my body, mad at lost time, mad at waiting, mad that this even had to happen, mad that it isn’t easy for us. We do have a wonderful 3-year old son and we struggled to get him here and had struggled even harder to get pregnant again. The struggle is real and the struggle is more than worth it and I’d do it all over again – we aren’t giving up yet. I know though that for whatever reason this baby couldn’t come into our world and we have to accept that because we can’t change it. Now we just have to wait, and wait and try again.

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48 Jen October 3, 2014 at 6:03 am

I had two losses between my children, and I’m a rainbow baby, too. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but when you hold your rainbow baby, that pain will seem so far away. Huge hugs! <3
Jen recently posted..Marathon training and breastfeeding

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49 Erin October 3, 2014 at 6:54 am

Meghann, I really appreciated reading your story and the follow up here. My husband and I just had a miscarriage at 5 weeks and realized just how isolating of an experience it can be. So few women talk about it so you feel like no one you know has gone through what you’re going through and no matter what the statistics are you can’t help but feel embarrassed and responsible, second guessing yourself. At least that’s how I felt. Also I just couldn’t wait for the check ups to stop so I could grieve and start moving on. It was helpful for me to be able to read someone else’s experience so I don’t feel so alone. I wish you and your husband the best of luck and can’t wait to read all about your happiness when that dream finally comes true.

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50 Nicole October 6, 2014 at 4:22 pm

One day at a time. You are awesome and I adore the term rainbow babies, how cute!
I’m personally glad that you are sharing the hard moments also. I love all the positive stories but often think that we don’t get to hear when things go wrong despite it being totally normal.
All the best from here.
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51 Theodora October 8, 2014 at 9:40 pm

You have blogged so eloquently about this, for how much I know you must be hurting. Glad I was able to give you one of those big hugs a few weeks ago <3
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52 Dana October 16, 2014 at 3:28 pm

Hugs!

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