Thank you for all of your support, kind words, and love. Thank you for the hundreds of emails I’ve received over the last two days from everyone who opened up about their own struggles over fertility and loss. I’ve shed so many tears this week, not just for my own angel baby, but for all the other angel babies out there. You guys are incredible. Thank you for sharing your stories, giving others hope, and letting me know I’m not alone – we’re not alone.
I’m not really sure where to move on from here. My emotions are still all over the place. One minute I’ll be fine, and the next I’ll be in tears – every day is a new challenge.
I never realized how hard it would be to slowly lose all my pregnancy symptoms. My breasts are no longer killing me, the smell of coffee no longer makes me sick, and cooked vegetables are officially back on the okay-to-eat list. After weeks of yearning for just a sip of a good beer or glass of wine, the thought of being able to drink either again brings me to a puddle of tears. It’s as if drinking alcohol again makes everything real. I hate it.
In the middle of all this, I’m desperate to run again. Running is my escape and right now I feel the need to escape more than ever. I yearn to just take off and clear my head. Unfortunately I’ve been instructed to step back from all physical activities for the next few weeks. It sucks, but I know it’s for the best. For now I’m sleeping in and trying to rest as much as possible.
Returning to work has been tough. I chose to go back because I needed the distraction and there’s just so much work that needs to get done before our season ends next month. I regretted going in as soon as I sat at my desk. Quite simply I was miserable. With my back turned from my co-workers, I silently cried a good portion of the morning. However, the day did get better. Just as predicted, it really helped having a distraction to focus on and there was a lot of work that needed to get done.
Again, I just want to say thank you for all of the incredible support. It means so much to Derek and I and really does give us the strength we need to move forward.